You are my happy smile
by ruchi257
Summary: What was Remus Lupin thinking the night Dumbledore died- and the night Tonks declared her love for him again?A complex look into his life and mind...Oneshot.


**YOU ARE MY HAPPY SMILE**

**N/B: A recounting of Remus Lupin's thoughts the night of Dumbledore's death. Oneshot.**

Remus Lupin smiled. It wasn't a happy smile, but it wasn't a sad smile either. It was a bitter smile, the kind that you give life when it throws questions at you that you know you can't answer, but which seem to be essential to your existence.

He had questioned his fate several times in his life – questioned the details of his childhood 'accident', the cruelty of his curse, the justice of a deity that would grant him a life long imprisonment in his own shortcomings. Yes, he had felt the desperate longing for love, the desire for normalcy, the need for friendship, lived with it almost all his life. For a brief period, the load had lightened. He had found friends. But now, now after all his friends were dead or traitors, his only hope was the war. More than a hope - a thing to live for. He had existed, so long, for so many years, silent and evasive, trying to give with not a hope in return. That's why he loved teaching – it was a job that required him only to give, to share, to teach, to nurture. He considered teaching his revenge on the injustice of the world. What Voldemort did to all his friends was only a part of his pain – it extended beyond that, the humiliation he lived with, the cross he had to bear, every single day, every single day…wondering if it was his punishment for presuming to be happy despite the terrible curse.

And yet here he was today, being questioned himself. Had he been wrong? Had his judgment been wrong? Or had Dumbledore's? And did it matter...

Because again, Snape's betrayal was only a part of it. Snape the traitor, Snape the murderer, Dumbledore dead...

Then there were his feelings – feelings, uncontrolled, unchecked and uninhibited, released from the prison at the back of his mind. His denial of these feelings had gone on for very long, but acceptance had come now, only now. When such thoughts should have been pushed out of his head by the macabre circumstances of death, they were only brought into sharper focus by this death.

He remembered Dumbledore's subtle hints on the topic. Lupin would never talk about it, of course, but Dumbledore hinted. There were moments when it was at the tip of his tongue to ask him if he should dare to dream. Dumbledore was his kindest friend: he has arranged for his schooling, for his education, for his acceptance. If anyone would know if it was all right, a werewolf loving someone in the way that he did, it would be Dumbledore.

But then he knew the thoughts of Dumbledore. Dumbledore desired this match. He believed in love, and trust, and second chances...

Lupin laughed a long embittered laugh. It was a second chance that had got Dumbledore killed. It was a second chance that had got Lupin thrown out of his job at Hogwarts. It was second chance that Nymphadora Tonks took, that evening (or was it just today...). She told him, for the second time, she loved him. He remembered the details of the first time, and the pain was sharp and fresh in his mind. It had been the hardest thing he ever had to do. She had come to him with so much life, so much hope, completely certain of his feelings. It had taken her so long to understand that he was indifferent, that he could not accept her – and the cruel things he had to say. She didn't know how much it had hurt him to say this, to deny himself her love. But he has sworn not to be selfish, not to let her ruin her life and reputation over a passing fancy. Yet perhaps he had known, even then, that this was something much more than a passing fancy, on both sides.

Molly thought he was selfish...she had told him so, albeit indirectly. He had been irritated with her, at the time. Now, he was not so sure. He thought of Tonk's new mousy brown hair. Tonks: bright, happy, clumsy, and beautiful...and what had he made her? He, with his refusals for her sake? A silent, depressed, colourless shadow...his darling Nymphadora...

He closed his eyes. More bittersweet memories flooded his mind. He thought of the first time he had seen her... with her bright pink hair...the moment he realized he loved her ... at the eventful night at the Ministry a year back. He thought of her strength, vitality. He thought of her violet hair.

He got up. He was fast, but very calm and collected, as he moved to the gates of Hogwarts. His mind was blank during this walk. He did not permit himself to think. At the gate, he apparated and found himself at the door of Tonks' house. He rang the bell, and, ignoring the shocked and not very pleased expressions on the Tonks' faces, he headed to her room. He stood looking at her for a minute, taking in every feature. Then he kissed her, letting the desire flow into his lips and wanting her with every particle of his body. He felt, rather than saw, her hair turning the faintest shade of blonde under his hands. Then she hugged him and he kissed her long, now strawberry blond hair. "You made me wait a long time..."

"Too long" he replied, his eyes blazing.

And after a long time, Remus Lupin could smile a happy smile.


End file.
